Kneading on you
You may think this is a sign of affection, but your cat is actually checking your internal organs for weaknesses.
Excessive shoveling of kitty litter
After using the litter box, your cat needlessly kicks litter around, most of it ending up all over the room. THIS IS PRACTICE FOR BURYING BODIES.
Staring contests
If you get caught in a staring contest with your cat, do not look away. Looking away will signal to your cat that you are weak, and an attack is likely to follow.
Bringing you dead animals
This is not a gift. It’s a warning.
Throwing up grass
Through this painful feeding and purging process, cats prepare their minds and bodies for combat.
Hiding in dark places and watching you
Your cat will often hide in order to study you in your natural habitat.
Sleeping on your electronics
Humans have superior technology. Your cat knows this and will attempt to disrupt all communications to the outside world.
Pawing at your face while you sleep
Cats aren’t very good at smothering people, but this won’t stop them from trying.
Sprinting at light speed out of any room you enter
When your cat does this, it’s actually a failed ambush.
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Check out this funny video I run in to:
I do not understand why other cats lick themselves after they eat. Us cats lick ourselves to clean up, kind of like you humans take a shower. So why would anyone get cleaned after eating? Does eating make you dirty?
I do my licking before I eat. It makes more sense - similar to you humans wash your hands before you eat. Well’ not all of you do that but you all should.
Don’t you just hate waking up early?
I like to sleep late in the morning and wake up slowly while looking at the sea through the window, but sometimes i cant do that because my owner makes noise. I have my corner on the bed where I usually fall asleep and stay asleep when he wakes up. Today he threw the blanket on me, probably because he did not notice me, but it woke me up and i had to find my way out from underneath the blanked and back to the world. It took me a while to find the way out - i hate that!
I should be looking for a new place to sleep in. Summer is around the corner so I might just find a nice spot on the balcony, where there is the best view of the city.
Take a few minutes to see how well you know your feline best friend.
a) I adore you
b) I can outstare you
c) If you ever get your lazy butt out of that chair, maybe I can get fed.
b) Will you play with me?
c) If I bump this hard enough, maybe it’ll break open and tuna will fall out
Your cat brings you a mouse with it’s head missing. Is it saying:
a) Here is a present for you
b) I am a mighty hunter, stroke me
c) this would look better surrounded by tuna
Your cat licks his paws. Is it:
a) Instinctively grooming itself
b) Bored
c) Getting ready to cat-slap you if you don’t give him some food soon
Your cat sticks his paw under the bottom of the door and frantically waves. Is it saying:
a) Imaginary mice are fun!
b) Please open this door
c) If I can build up these biceps, I can open my own cat food cans
Your cat rubs against your leg. He is:
a) Showing you affection
b) Trying to get your attention
c) Trying to push you into the kitchen where the food is kept
Your cat runs ahead of you and then rolls on his back. It it saying:
a) Rub my tummy
b) Catch me if you can
c) I am so exhausted from hunger, I can only run 2 feet at a time
Your cat backs up to your best piece of furniture and sprays. Is it saying:
a) This is mine! I must mark it!
b) I had a little extra pee I didn’t know what to do with
c) Follow this smell to the kitchen cupboard where the food is kept.
Your cat rubs his whiskers against your hand. He is:
a) Showing you he loves you
b) Petting himself
c) Trying to push your hand into the canopener
Your cat chases a moth in the air. He is:
a) Instinctively honing his hunting skills
b) Excersizing
c) Showing you he is insane with hunger and will eat ANYthing.
Your cat swishes the water in the toilet. Is it trying to:
a) Just have a little fun
b) Catch a quick drink
c) Show you that he can always snag a tuna swimming upstream if you don’t feed him soon
Your cat poops outside the litterbox. Is it saying:
a) This box is too filthy to poop in
b) This looks like a good spot to poop
c) See how little I have to poop, you better feed me!
b) I just want to stay close to you
c) I’ll be the first one to know when you’re awake so you can feed me
Your cat sits in the window and stares at the birds. Is it:
a) Thinking about how beautiful birds are
b) Wishing it could catch one
c) Mentally telling you that bird-in-a-can would go great with Pounce Treats
Your cat sleeps in a discarded cardboard box. Is it:
a) Laying where it feels safe
b) Feeling all cozy
c) Showing you what size coffin to buy if you don’t feed it soon
Your cat munches on your houseplant. Is it saying:
a) mmmmm..good
b) I love to puke up this stuff
c) I’ll eat every damn thing in this house that doesn’t move if you don’t open a can of tuna soon. Feed me!
Your cat paws at the tv screen. Is it:
a) Chasing moving images
b) Bored
c) Trying to pull out the Whiska’s lady thru the screen to feed him.
Your cat waits and meows at the door when you arrive.Is it saying:
a) Hello, I missed you!
b) The stupid dog ate the plant an puked.
c) Did you catch some tuna? Feed me!
Now your cat meows at the door when you go out. Is it saying:
a) Please don’t leave me here all alone.
b) Adios.
c) Hey you! Slave! Pick me up a can of tuna while you’re out
Your cat digs its claws in your leg. Is this:
a) Primal hunting instinct.
b) A “love tap”.
c) Testing to see if you are tender & “done”.
Your cat scratches at the door after being fed: Is it saying:
a) Let me out, I need to use the sandbox.
b) I want to go out and roam.
c) I Wonder what’s to eat next door?
Your cat rolls on his back in front of you. Is it saying:
a) Please rub my tummy
b) Aren’t I cute?
c) I am having seizures from lack of tuna. Feed me!
Your cat is sound asleep in the window. It is thinking:
a) Nothing, he’s sleeping
b) Ah, this sun feels good
c) Can’t you tell I’ve fainted from hunger??! Feed me!
——————————————————————————–
Score:
Mostly a : You are your cat’s slave
Mostly b : You are onto your cat’s ways
Mostly c : Give your cat the car keys and let him go buy his own tuna!
- One day, without your permission, he gets his ears pierced.
- Your credit card is overcharged, mainly for “9-Lives”
- You find attached to the refrigerator a note that reads: “Leave a steak on the front porch at midnight, or you’ll never see Spot again”.
- Too many times a week your cat comes home after one in the morning, totally plastered and with a strong odour of catnip about him.
- You come home to catch him in the act of raiding your liquor cabinet.
- Several hundred dollars’ worth of phone calls appear on your phone bill to “1-900-PUSSYCAT-MEOW”
- You find out that the lifetime’s supply of cat food wasn’t a prize from “Kitten’s Life” magazine, but that your cat has been selling drugs in the neighbourhood
- After failing to get your attention with constant meows and by rubbing up against your leg, your cat pulls out his Magnum-44 and aims it at you, demanding “Friskies” and catnip.
Any small item. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means it is a Valuable Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look outraged when the human takes it away. Watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. Below are listed several types of cat toys.
a) Bright shiny things like keys, brooches or coins should be hidden so the other cat(s) and humans can’t play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.
b) Dangling and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at, all costs. Note that playing with shoelaces when the human is trying to tie them is a great source of Hampering.
c) Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see, but you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any cat you find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result in a great Tag match.
a) Catch Mouse: The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Maybe YOU can be the first.
b) King of the Hill: This game must be played with at least one other cat. Sleeping humans are the hill which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must consider the unstable playing field.
WARNING: Playing games (a) and (b) to excess will result in expulsion from the bed. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.
c) Tag: This game requires two or more cats and may include a dog. One cat is It. The other(s) chase him around the house until they catch up. Then follows the Scrimmage, after which the cat who caught the other becomes It and is chased around. Great fun but has the greatest potential for loss of dignity from maneuvers such as the Non-Carpeted Floor Skid and the Throw Rug Wipeout. Whenever such a situation occurs, all felines must immediately wash themselves. Dogs are generally too stupid to do this and may continue to play. In this case, the dog automatically becomes It and should be subjected to the Pileup.
d) Tube Mouse: This is a game played in the bathroom. Next to the Big White Drinking Bowl is a roll of soft white paper which is artfully attached to the wall so that it can spin. Inside this roll is the Tube Mouse. When you grab the paper, the Tube Mouse will spin frantically as it tries to escape from you. When the Mouse is exposed, it dies of fright and stops spinning.
