CatsBlog

HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping” otherwise known is “hampering.” Some rule:

a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner to obscure the maximum amount. Pretend to dose but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. Sit on the paperwork they are working on. Roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. Embroidery and needlepoint make great hammocks.

d) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her be sure to jump at the back of the paper. They love surprises.

e) Dart out quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs; when they have something in their arms; in the dark; and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

f) When a human is attempting to “make the bed,” hop on it and curl up in the center , or pounce on the sheet the human is trying to rearrange. If the human tries to ignore you by covering you with the sheets, move around and try to mess things up. Protest loudly when you’re evicted.

g) Laundry presents many opportunities to hamper. Laundry fresh from the dryer is a perfect bed, since it is warm and soft. As soon as it is put down for sorting, arrange yourself for a nap. If the human removes you, keep returning until the laundry isn’t warm anymore. Now it’s playtime. Pounce on anything the human tries to move around for folding, especially socks and nylons. For added fun, grab a sock and hide under the bed with it.

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• I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie.
• I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the X-Files.
• I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs and then puke them up so my human can see that I’m getting plenty of roughage.
• I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my “kill.”
• I will not perch on my human’s chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up.
• Screaming at a can of tuna will not make it open itself.
• Staring into the fireplace will not make the flames and heat appear.
• If I stick my paw into a container to see if there is anything in it, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
• If I bite the cactus it will bite back.
• It is not a good idea to lap up the powdered creamer before it dissolves in hot coffee.
• When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.
• I will not play, “dead cat on the stairs,” when my humans are going up or down, or else one of these days it will really come true.
• When my human is typing at the computer her forearms are not a hammock.
• Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
• I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.
• I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 1 am. to tell her she is forgiven and can now pet me.
• If I must claw my human I will l not do it in such a way that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.
• If I must give a present to my human guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live bug, even if it isn’t as tasty.
• A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for naps.

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