CatsBlog

NOTES FROM AN EXPERIENCED CAT

• I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie.
• I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the X-Files.
• I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs and then puke them up so my human can see that I’m getting plenty of roughage.
• I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my “kill.”
• I will not perch on my human’s chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up.
• Screaming at a can of tuna will not make it open itself.
• Staring into the fireplace will not make the flames and heat appear.
• If I stick my paw into a container to see if there is anything in it, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
• If I bite the cactus it will bite back.
• It is not a good idea to lap up the powdered creamer before it dissolves in hot coffee.
• When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.
• I will not play, “dead cat on the stairs,” when my humans are going up or down, or else one of these days it will really come true.
• When my human is typing at the computer her forearms are not a hammock.
• Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
• I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.
• I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 1 am. to tell her she is forgiven and can now pet me.
• If I must claw my human I will l not do it in such a way that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.
• If I must give a present to my human guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live bug, even if it isn’t as tasty.
• A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for naps.

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