Archive for the 'Cat Humor' Category
Kneading on you
You may think this is a sign of affection, but your cat is actually checking your internal organs for weaknesses.
Excessive shoveling of kitty litter
After using the litter box, your cat needlessly kicks litter around, most of it ending up all over the room. THIS IS PRACTICE FOR BURYING BODIES.
Staring contests
If you get caught in a staring contest with your cat, do not look away. Looking away will signal to your cat that you are weak, and an attack is likely to follow.
Bringing you dead animals
This is not a gift. It’s a warning.
Throwing up grass
Through this painful feeding and purging process, cats prepare their minds and bodies for combat.
Hiding in dark places and watching you
Your cat will often hide in order to study you in your natural habitat.
Sleeping on your electronics
Humans have superior technology. Your cat knows this and will attempt to disrupt all communications to the outside world.
Pawing at your face while you sleep
Cats aren’t very good at smothering people, but this won’t stop them from trying.
Sprinting at light speed out of any room you enter
When your cat does this, it’s actually a failed ambush.
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Check out this funny video I run in to:
- Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.
- No longer cleans itself unless coated in Cheese Whiz.
- Cat door so large it needs a garage door opener.
- Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky.
- Only catches mice that get trapped in its gravitational pull.
- Enormous belly keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed.
- Has more chins than lives.
- Always lands on her spleen.
- Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in broken branches.
- Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag chair.
- You get email flames from some guy named Fluffy.
- Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
- You find you’ve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.
- Your web browser has a new home page at www.catsblog.org
- Your mouse has teeth marks in it … and a strange aroma of tuna.
- Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of “CyberDog.”
- Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
- You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.
- On ICQ, you’re known as the IronMouser.
- Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.
16. Sits on your newspaper in the morning and carefully reads the coded message that Garfield sends out every day.
15. Used to sleep on top of TV, now monitors CNN 24 hours a day.
14. Notably absent from home during surprise feline invasion of Poland.
13. When you enter the room, Snowball and the other members of the Tri-Cateral Commission stop talking and begin playing with yarn.
12. Behind the couch you find a forged passport, plane tickets, and nine suicide bombs.
11. What you thought was “heat” is actually a four-legged goose step.
10. Well, “somebody” subscribed to alt.cats.world.domination.
9. Autopsy of the last mouse left on your doormat reveals “tattoo” to be blueprint of the UN Building.
8. Constantly petting that bald man he keeps on his lap.
7. Kitty Chow spilled on the floor spells out “Drop the car keys and leave the door open or the dog gets it in the head.”
6. Then — dead mice in the kitchen. Now — dead third world dictators in the basement.
5. Judging from the kitchen, he seems to be working on some kind of “land mine” technology.
4. Fluffy is now sleeping only 21 hours a day, down from 23.
3. Has recently been acting somewhat… aloof.
2. What your cat lacks in charisma and good looks, he makes up for with his ruthless handling of rival software companies.
..and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat is Plotting World Domination…
1. Somehow, you’re now subscribed to “Feline of Fortune” magazine
HOW TO WASH THE CAT
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power wash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
The DOG
“When you wake up in the morning, Pooh,” said Piglet at last, “what’s the first thing you say to yourself?”
“What’s for breakfast? said Pooh. “What do you say, Piglet?”
“I say, I wonder what’s going to happen exciting today?” said Piglet.
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
“It’s the same thing,” he said.____________________
It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn’t use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like “What about lunch?”
Winnie the Pooh____________________
Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Winnie the Pooh____________________
Don’t underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can’t hear, and not bothering.
Winnie the Pooh
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Observation
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump on the bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always see, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition.
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter.
Always lick after meals!
Learn the difference between idleness and repose - one wastes time the other luxuriates in it.
The three great lies of Life are:
1. The cheque is in the post.
2. All I want is one kiss.
3. It’ll be alright, just get in the travelling basket.
Long naps never go out of fashion.
Just say no to catnip!
Let sleeping dogs lie - literally!
Get your booster shots every year.
Get to know every view from every window in your home.
Begin each day with a long hard stretch.
Treat yourself to a nap in the sock drawer once in a while.
Own nothing and be owned by no one.
Never be discouraged by the words No, Stop That or Bad Cat.
Never purr half-heartedly.
Don’t worry about little things.
Don’t worry about big things.
See how long that toilet paper around the roll really is.
Miaow and the world Miaows with you, hiss and you hiss alone.
Keep everybody’s secrets.
Make friends with the milkman.
Play and sleep in cardboard boxes.
Help with making the bed.
Help with making dinner.
Regard all neatly stacked piles of paper as provocation.
Don’t cry over spilt milk - lap it up instead.
Make the world your scratching post.
Never sleep alone!
and finally…
Become someone’s friend for life.
For Humans
- Your cat waits and meows at the front door when you arrive. Is it saying:
a) Welcome home
b) The phone rang twice while you were out c) Feed me, NOW - Your cat meows at the door when you go out. Is it saying:
a) Please don’t leave me here all alone
b) Good-bye
c) But what if I get hungry while your out? - Your cat digs its claws in your leg. Is this:
a) An unsuppressed primal instinct
b) A sign of affection
c) A demand to be fed now - Your cat scratches at the door after being fed: Is it saying:
a) Lemme out - I need to use the garden
b) Wanna go out and play
c) Wonder what they’ve got to eat next door?
For Other Cats
- Your human walks into the kitchen. Does this mean:
a) It’s hungry
b) It’s lost
c) You’re hungry - Your human puts down a bowl of food for you. Is this:
a) supper
b) something to keep you going till supper’s ready
c) inedible junk to be scorned in favor of what the human’s got. - Your human removes you from the top of the television. Does this mean:
a) You’re in trouble - better not do it again
b) Nothing - humans do this from time to time
c) The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it. - Staircases are for:
a) Getting up to the human’s bedroom at 4am
b) Lying in wait in the dark at the top of
c) Walking down just slower than the human in front of it.
d) all of the above