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Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?
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Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?
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Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?
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Do you scoop out the litter box after each use? Do you wait at the box with the scoop in your hand?
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Do you think it’s cute when your cat swings on the drapes or licks the butter?
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Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?
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Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?
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Do you kiss your cat on the lips?
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Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork?
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Does your cat sit at the table (or ON the table) when you eat?
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Does your cat sleep on your head? Do you like it?
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Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?
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Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?
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Did you buy a video tape of fish swimming in an aquarium to entertain your cat?
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Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?
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Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date?
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Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas? Do you spend more for your cat than you do for your spouse?
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Do the Christmas cards you send out feature your cat sitting on Santa’s lap? Does your cat sign the card?
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Found this on the internet - one of the funniest instructions I have seen. But realistic. Good luck people!
How to Give Your Ca a Pill
by Peggy Althoff
- Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, “Thats a nice kitty.” Drop pill into its mouth.
- Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
- Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat’s front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
- Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
- Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat’s mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won’t be able to see what you’re doing. That’s just as well.
- Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
- If you’re a woman, have a good cry. If you’re a man, have a good cry.
- Now pull yourself together. Who’s the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, “Who’s the boss here, anyway?” Open cat’s mouth, take pill and…Oooops!
- This isn’t working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
- Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
- Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
- Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
- Flatten cat’s front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
- Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man-or woman.
- Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat’s head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
- Drop pill into cat’s mouth and poke gently. Voila! It’s done.
- Vacuum up loose fur (cat’s). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
- Take two aspirins and lie down.
Here are some good ones:
- Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
- There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
- When a mouse laughs at a cat there is a hole nearby.
- If cats could talk - they wouldn’t.
- I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It’s not. Mine had me trained in two days.
- People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.